I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
