he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
