I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Randomize
