U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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