My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My ATM looks so different sober.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
