Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
