the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
