Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
