Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
