I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
