She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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