Your face is a jimmy john
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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