If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
wow bdsm is so cute
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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