i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
