i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
