I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
