It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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