this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
