Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
