I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
