Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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