i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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