Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
