Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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