I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
