apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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