Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
we should paint friendship bongs
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
