U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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