your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
