Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
