My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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