The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
