I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
