Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
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