Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
