I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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