He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
