I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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