You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Randomize
