i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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