its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
