Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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