just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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