I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
