last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
