Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
