you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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