someone get that fucking seahorse.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
