someone threw a dead crab at me
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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