I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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