got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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