i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
