You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
