see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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